


Need the Buzz of a Saw, Need some Blood in the cut

by cord3lia_chaase



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:47:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26108191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cord3lia_chaase/pseuds/cord3lia_chaase
Summary: Bella gets some therapy! Re-kindles friendship! New-moon re-writeThat's all we know for now folksOh blood trigger warning if you don't like cuts and scrapesOK FIXED THE TAGS? mayhaps? idk it's gonna be a ride
Relationships: Idk all we know at this point is that it's a new moon re-write my dudes, Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. Goodbye to you

TIME PASSES. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. Even when each tick of the second-hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me. 

I never did quite like waking up in the morning. Maybe it was because school often bored me- ever since I was little I preferred to spend my time with my nose buried in a good book. Teachers would scowl as they called on me, trying to catch me whenever I cast my eyes downward to the book in my lap. ‘Isabella,’ they’d plead ‘pay attention.’ It happened frequently, mostly because when I was reading I didn’t just read. I became immersed in the prose, loving the characters, even sometimes the villains- becoming invested in the stories, the worlds that the pages presented me with. It’s not my fault that school got in the way of my quality reading time. Then as I grew older, I dreaded the long days ahead, knowing I’d have to be more of a mother to Renee than she was to me. The first two years of high school things got worse, dreading the adulting I would have to do for my erratic, hairbrained mother. I was the responsible one after all. But nothing in the world could have prepared me for this. 

Since he left, every morning felt like climbing Mt. Everest. An impossible feat someone normal and ordinary and not special couldn’t normally do. But I had to pretend for Charlie. I hated every minute of it, wanting to be asleep, not conscious, wonderfully numb- but I scraped by. He had done so much for me. He spent every second of the night that he wasn’t sleeping glued to the couch, ready and waiting for my inevitable nightmares. He’d fight against the thrashing, the screaming- no the wailing. The least I could do was pretend to be normal when I was conscious and could somewhat control it. I tried to not think about the many instances when I was unconscious and couldn’t. 

So I sat at the kitchen table and ate my breakfast, counting the bites in my head to keep my thoughts from wondering. Most of the time I’d pretend to read as well, all apart of the show. But the words were gibberish. I often had a hard time looking around the house anymore let alone the kitchen. Every room had a memory of him, of Edward. Whether it was him leaning against the kitchen counter telling me that he visited every night, telling me if he could dream at all, it’d be of me. Of him holding me in my bed telling me about who he was- telling me he wanted me just the same as I wanted him, that he was my prisoner and to bring on the shackles. My stomach lurched at the memory don’t cry until you get in the truck, don’t cry until you get in the truck. I repeated to myself over and over. I finished my breakfast and got up so fast the chair made a horrible scraping sound against the floor. I tossed the bowl in the sink, a goodbye to Charlie, and grabbed my backpack on the way out the door.  
Finally, I slammed the door of the driver's seat, let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and I started to cry. I didn’t stop until I reached the pulled into the parking lot of Forks High School. 

I yanked the key from the ignition and threw my head back into the headrest with a thunk. I was so tired. I checked the time on my phone- the bright screen read (). Great. In my haste to completely fall apart in front of Charlie, I ended up arriving at school twenty minutes early. My ears pricked up at the sound of music cranked up at full volume from a car stereo. My head turned to find the source and I winced. Crammed into one tiny black van was Tyler, Mike, Angela, Ben and Jessica. Since the beginning of the school year, Tyler had offered to drive everyone to school in the name of spending as much time together as possible during senior year. I remembered rolling my eyes slightly when they explained the idea back in September. They insisted I came along back then, not taking no for an answer. Angela said that although I came late I’d always be a central part of the group. I’d smiled and leaned back in the front seat, singing along to the playlist Ben had carefully curated. When I told Charlie why I hadn’t taken the truck to school that day he laughed and said ‘well Bells, they’re right. You’re not going to be eighteen forever.’ 

Oh, the never-ending irony. 

I saw Angela jump out of the van first. She liked to get candid shots of everyone talking and hanging out before the bell rang. I shrank down in my seat, guilt gnawing at my stomach. Ever since they left, I retreated into myself. It wasn’t that my friends had stopped trying, in fact, they tried more than ever to make me feel comfortable, to make me feel included. It just made things harder in a way- they just thought it was a breakup, the end of a relationship. None of them knew what I had really lost, the scope of it all. I lost a love, a family, a whole future. Mourning that life was a kind of grief that was insurmountable. I stopped riding with them to school, stopped chatting with them in the parking lot before school started, stopped sitting with them at lunch. I stopped trying. They stopped calling. I couldn’t exactly blame them. 

I sunk even lower into my seat. 

Torn between ignoring their presence, staying in my moments of calm before the storm and acknowledging them in an awkward interaction, I decided I may as well rip off the bandaid. 

I opened the door of the truck and climbed down slowly, grabbing my backpack from the passenger seat. Slinging the strap over my shoulder, I took a deep breath. 

Turning to face them was hard. Seeing all of them but Angela look pointedly away when I waved my hand in greeting was harder. I hadn’t meant to hurt them the way I did. The guilt I felt earlier pooled heavy in my stomach. 

‘Hey Bella’ She called gently. 

‘Hey Ang’ 

‘How have you-‘ The bell rang, abrupt and loud cutting her off. I hated admiting to myself just how relieved I was for an escape. I loved Angela, I did. But it was hard to be around anyone, any friend, wishing that I was talking or hell, even shopping with a tiny black-haired pixy vampire instead. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t hang out with her, secretly wishing I was somewhere else. It wouldn’t be fair to her. This was easier. Less painful. 

The morning classes passed in a blur. When lunch came, I took my usual seat, at the table which used to be occupied by five gloriously beautiful individuals I came to know and love fiercely. I was the only one left there now. Sometimes I tried to imagine what Alice would be wearing to school that day, what prank Emmett was thinking of to rile up his brothers. I even tried to imagine Rosalie’s less than friendly stare. Other days it was too painful and I looked out the window, watched the rainfall or followed the droplets on the glass. Sometimes focusing hard on one thing and one thing only made the constant ache feel better. But it only helped a little and only for a while. No matter what though, I tried my absolute hardest to ignore the biggest hole, the empty chair that hurt the most. I wouldn’t think of the color of his eyes, the way he used to look at me with them, pools of burning topaz. I couldn’t. I wondered idly if grief could drive someone to the point of insanity. 

Today, the aching was especially unbearable. The night before had been a series of nightmares, leaving both Charlie and I relatively sleepless. I could feel my eyes drooping shut. In order to fight off any more rumors that I had absolutely lost it when the Cullens left, I schlepped to the bathroom. Maybe I’d find some peace and quiet there, away from the incessant chatter of other students going about their lunch hour. 

Closing the stall door, I put my bag at my feet and rested my head against the wall next to me. I hadn’t realized I had fallen asleep until I heard the stall door next to me bang shut. 

‘I can’t believe she waved at us this morning! The fucking nerve! After ditching us like that! What the hell is going on in her head?’ I froze. It was Jessica. 

‘Jess come on. You know she’s hurting. Did you see how thin she was? How pale? The bags under her eyes? Not exactly the mark of a good night's sleep. It’s not the first time she’s looked like this either.’ Angela responded. 

Great. As if this morning wasn’t enough- I know got to hear the innermost gossip my old friends had been thinking in a real, live-action exchange. At the same time though, the concern Angela still had for me warmed my heart. 

Jess sighed. 

‘I know, I know ok? I just- I just miss her. I miss her talking about whatever book she had been reading or what music she was going to get Ben to add to our playlist. I miss my friend. She doesn’t even look like the same girl. It’s like she’s a real-life zombie. Like she’s here, but not really. I’m just frustrated I don’t know how to reach her.’ Jessica’s voice broke and she sniffled.  
Through the crack of the stall door, I could see both their expressions as Angela pulled Jess in for a quick hug. Both girls looked sad and utterly resigned. 

‘She’ll come back when she’s ready. When it’s time.’ 

Jessica nodded and accepted the tissue Angela handed her, both girls walking quietly out the door. 

For the second time that day, I let out a huge sigh. 

Still tired, I gathered my things and made my way out the door when something caught my eye. I stared into the mirror in front of me. I looked gaunt, my eyes were sunken in with deep purple rings underneath them. The hollows of my cheeks were more defined than I had ever seen them. My chin was pointed, my collarbone was sharp and my shoulders were on the dangerous side of slender. 

Jess’s words rang loud and clear in my head ‘she looks like a real-life zombie!’ She was right. They both were. I didn’t look like me anymore. 

Rage built up inside me, white-hot and violent. For the first time in months, I felt something other than sadness, other than despair. My vision blurred and my ears rang. Before my mind registered what my body was doing, I had winded my arm backward and punched the mirror, shattering the glass entirely.  
My hand was in searing pain. I looked down, my knuckles covered in shards of it, dark red blood coming from the wound. 

I didn’t think it would hurt, that anything would anymore compared to the pain I had felt these past few months. I was wrong. For a split second, I was shocked to see the drops of blood coming down my hand to my wrist. With him gone, I guess I really did forget what it was like to feel anything, let alone feel alive. My brain was foggy and I felt dizzy from the sight of the blood. My opposite hand flew to my mouth as I raced to the toilet and heaved until there was nothing left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one is a little shorter- it's tough to write emotional stuff when what the characters are going through hits a little too close to home. Nevertheless, I hope it's enjoyed and just know there are more, happier chapters to come! Oh and the biggest of thank yous and shoutouts to Owaya1 for showing me the ropes :)

Once I managed to stop puking, I slid against the back of the stall door until my ass hit the floor. A new sense of panic set in. What was I going to do about my hand? I couldn’t go to class with a bleeding hand and I certainly couldn’t make it back home with how dizzy I was starting to feel. I reached for the bag at my feet and dug carefully for my phone. Opening it, I found myself bypassing the contact list and I put in the number of the only friend I had left standing. I punched in Jacob Black’s number and held my breath as the line rang. A voice that immediately put me at ease picked up. 

A half-hour later I had been picked up and bandaged by my oldest friend Jacob Black. A part of me was scared shitless calling him, wondering if he would be angry with me for losing touch. Or well, disappearing more like. Worse, I thought he would look at me with the same kind of resigned disappointment and disapproval I was used to getting these days. Poor Bella, they’d think. What a wreck. But when he pulled up in his beat-up, ancient rabbit and I saw his smile, my fears were put to rest. That’s Jacob for you. Kind and pure and good through and through. 

He was wrapping a final layer of gauze around my hand when I finally had the courage to speak up.  
‘Thanks, Jake, really. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come.’  
He gingerly did a final look over of my hand and squeezed my fingers gently.  
‘Of course Bells. What are friends for?’  
That comment rolled around in my head, my gut twisting. Before I could stop them, words flew out of my mouth.  
‘Are we though? Friends?’  
He looked confused.  
‘Am I missing something? Why wouldn’t we be?’  
I hesitated. Guilt swirled around in the pit of my stomach.  
‘I haven’t been the best friend to you lately. Or well, anyone for that matter.’ 

Understanding flashed across his face. Even though I didn’t outright apologize, he understood that I was saying ‘sorry’ as best I could. That was another thing I had to love about Jacob. He and I were always on the same wavelength. He somehow just knew that saying those words, giving an explanation for my absence would be too painful. I was so thankful for him and his kindness.

‘Bells. Don’t mention it. We’re friends, we always have been and I’m hoping we will be for a long time. You’re always welcome here.’ 

My heart squeezed. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.  
‘What’s wrong? Did I say something?’ He asked, concern lacing his voice.  
‘I just don’t deserve this. You welcoming me back with open arms after, well after-‘ I couldn’t finish. 

He patted my knee. 

‘It’s been a hard couple of months Bells. I know that. Pain isn’t an easy thing to deal with. Especially on your own.’ He looked at me pointedly.  
‘I’m already sharing my pain with Charlie. I don’t want to bring anyone else down with me.’

‘Bella. I’ll say this now and I’ll say it however many times I need to. You are not bringing anyone down. The things you’ve been through… Not many people can handle that.’ 

‘I don’t know if ‘handling’ it is exactly what I’m doing.’ The tears were flowing freely now. I sniffled. ‘I feel like I’m drowning Jake. Every day I’m drowning in it.’  
He pulled me into a hug. It surprised me at first- Charlie wasn’t much of a hugger and Edward had warned the other Cullens to consistently keep their distance for fear of breaking me. I forgot how it felt to be shown and give affection without scolding or an expectation or something in return. The thought made me want to cry harder- if that was even possible to do at this point. But I leaned in, softly hiccuping from the full-on sobs that were wracking my body. 

He rubbed circles on my back until I calmed down slightly. 

‘Then it’s time we teach you how to swim.’


End file.
